Cleaning out my closet
by redheadleela
Summary: you never know what you'll find in a closet. rating is simply precautionary. it is a coming out story don't read if it'll offend you. spoilers from 'strip strangler' season 1
1. Default Chapter

**Cleaning out my Closet**

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or have any affiliation with anyone who does I'm just borrowing the characters. I promise to wash them before I return them.

Spoilers: Strip Strangler, Season1 and some references to Season 2, 3 and 4.

Author's note: Okay this is something that sprang into my head while I was re-watching 'Strip Strangler'. It is going to at least contain references or ideas of femslash so if you don't like it don't read it, but please feel free to read any of my other stories. As always reviews are always welcome but don't flame as it's just simply sad. This story is dedicated to my mate Lor and also many thanks to my friend Sas for the loan of the nickname.

Grissom, Catherine, Warrick and Nick are all sitting around me in Cath's sitting room chatting and drinking wine. "Okay guys, next topic will be funniest event at a crime scene!" Catherine tried to encourage conversation between her subdued friends, who were all tired from several tough cases.

"Catherine! I hardly think that's appropriate!"

"Grissom, chill out! We're just trying to relax and for saying that you can go first."

"Cath," Grissom's voice sounded desperate and whiny.

"No! Now get on with it!" A massive grin spreading over her face.

"Well, I guess the best time I've had at a crime scene is a couple of years back when we had to smash through all those walls to find that lady's body!" Grissom flashes a small smile at the memory, and I hid my face behind my hair to hide the fact that I was blushing, but I needn't have bothered as Warrick distracted my friends by saying, "I didn't even know that and I was there! You really can hide your emotions well, you must have kicked ass at poker!" My friends laughed at this and I started to relax, well as relaxed as I ever get.

"Ooh! Me next! I've got one!" Warrick chuckled at Nick's enthusiasm.

"Go on then, before you wet yourself."

Nick threw a cushion at Warrick's head then started his story, "I never told you guys about this one because it was such an intense case, and we were all distracted enough. Do you guys remember that case that got nicknamed 'the strip strangler'?"

We all made various noises to show that we did and he continued, "Well, Grissom had sent me back to the crime scene on my own with the words 'be careful, the cliché is true serials return to the scene,' running through my head. When I got there, I worked for a while then I heard something from the closet, I went towards it slowly with my flashlight out and my hand hovering over my gun. Just as I was about to open the door this women appeared, who turned out to be a reporter, and I stood there yelling at her, "Get out of there! Get out of the closet!" I was so scared then but soon after I realised it was just plain funny!"

I sat there, Nick's words bouncing viciously round inside my skull. 'Get out of there. Get out of the closet. Get out of the closet. Get out of the closet.' I shut my eyes trying to stop his voice taunting me like that. "Sara? Are you okay?" Warrick's concerned voice broke me from my stupor, though it didn't stop the voice, I realised how strange I must look, but I felt like they wanted an answer to a different question.

"I'm going to get another drink." I mumbled and tried to flee the room, but as it often had done in the past, Grissom's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Um Sara? Don't you think, um, that you've had enough?" Grissom looked uncomfortable and I realised he was trying to keep another of my secrets from my friends. I felt like crying, because I was such a fraud, hiding everything from the people I called my friends. I had to get out of there or they were gonna see the tears brimming in my eyes.

"Fine, whatever. I'll just have water." I practically ran from the room. As I left, I heard three angry voices turn to Grissom and yell at him, I wasn't really listening but the voice that stuck with me was Catherine's. All I heard was the word, "Explain!" yelled with a lot of force.

I lent against the kitchen counter and I felt the scorching trail of tears streaming across the well-known paths. By now, I would have thought I'd have run out of tears despite the fact that I knew that that was scientifically impossible. I let the weight of this unbearable problem pull me to the ground. I sat there not thinking anything for the only time in my life my mind was completely blank. It scared me. It felt like if I wasn't thinking anything then I didn't exist. You will have heard the expression 'I dream therefore I am.' the way I saw it dreams were the same as thoughts. I sat there in the silence of my own mind, I should've been thinking of a plan, I should've been thinking of yet another lie, I should've been preparing.

"Sara? Are you okay, hun?" Warrick's concerned voice breaking through the screeching silence in my mind.

"Um… Yeah I'm okay." I didn't expect him to believe me, I mean what was I supposed to say? 'Oh no actually I'm awful because I've been lying to my friends for so long!' somehow I didn't think that was gonna happen.

"Sara, I know that you and Grissom, even at the worst of times, have that one thing in common that you're both great at. Hiding your emotions! So this… thing, whatever it is must be pretty big for me to even get a hint of you being upset."

"You're not wrong there."

"So… It won't make it better hiding it."

"I know. The problem is when you've been lying for so long, you almost believe it's true yourself."

"Yeah, I hear that." Warrick looked like he was going to try to convince me more but he was disturbed by a knock at the door.

"I've got it!" Warrick shouted, I was worried that my sigh of relief was actually audible.

"Hey, Greg! Come on in. You just go straight into the lounge, the rest of us are in there."

"So why aren't you?" I could see this already going a way I didn't want it to, simply because Greg was as curious as a toddler.

"Oh. Don't worry, Sara's just feeling a little out of it."

Greg rushed towards me and scooped me up, which was quite an achievement considering that we're about the same size, and spun me round in his arms and tried to make me laugh by saying, "Awwww! Poor Sassywassy!" I was very close to laughing and he knew it even Warrick was grinning. Then Greg tried to actually make me laugh aloud by tickling me under my chin, but he couldn't quite keep hold of my weight (mostly because he was still spinning) and we crashed to the floor with a loud thump mixed with a rather unnerving smashing sound.

"Greg!" Grissom's yell almost deafened me. Unfortunately, for me that was when I started laughing, which I assumed would earn me a yell from Grissom too but to my utmost surprise he rushed to my side and touched my arm, as this was so unexpected I jumped a mile. "Sorry, but you're bleeding." I looked at Grissom with disbelief on my face, if I bleeding I would know about it. Then I looked down at my arm and saw that my sleeve was torn.

"Damn it! This is my favourite shirt!" I started giggling again, because everything seemed so strange, or maybe that was the wine.

"Sara, I think we should take you to hospital." Nick's worried expression brought me back into myself.

I stood up, shook myself off (physically and mentally), I checked out my arm, it was just a scratch. I looked at all my close friends, no, my family, they all looked so worried and confused and just plain scared. "Guys, don't worry I'm fine! I promise, but since Greg did this, he can patch me up and clean up. Sorry we broke your wine glass Cath."

"Don't worry about it." I saw a small smile emerge she knew I was going to be just fine, she knew that I had a plan and she was right.

The rest of the team filed out of Catherine's kitchen without much incident, apart from Nick smacking Greg across the back of the head. I sat there on the bench quietly as Greg swabbed my cut with antiseptic and wrapped a bandage round and round my arm. As he was sweeping the shards of glass from the floor I asked, "Can you keep a secret?"

Greg looked up at me suspiciously and then grinned, "Anything for my number one girl!"

"Shut the door. Okay, I swear down if you laugh at this I'll kick your ass! Okay… Right…" I had to do it. I had to do it right then. I thought I was going to faint. "Greg. I'm a lesbian."

Greg looked at me; I could see in his eyes that he was suppressing thousands of jokey comments. Then he walked over and hugged me, "I understand how hard that was for you. Thank you." I leant into his warmth and I felt so safe and protected. "Come on we should go join the others. Is your arm okay?"

"Yeah. It's fine, thank you."

"What for making you bleed?" Then I just hugged him even tighter, and then I walked into the lounge feeling like me again. Sure there would be a time when I would tell the others but that could wait for now everything was just right.


	2. Chapter 2

Author note: I don't know if anyone actually read the other part of this because I didn't get any feedback. Please take pity. one review from you can mean smiles from me for a whole day (even a week if its really nice). It is a story about coming out as being gay but there isn't any femslash 'action'. Enjoy.

"Greg?"

"What's up Sara? Ooh are you still coming to Nick's?"

"Yeah I am. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay. Go on," Greg gave me one of those grins that make most girls go weak at the knees. But not me, and that was the point.

"I'm planning to drink tonight along with you guys, and alcohol has that annoying habit of loosening people's tongues," I paused to collect my thoughts but Greg responded before I could continue,

"Is that what you think of me? I thought you trusted me!"

I slipped my hand into his and said in a soft voice, "Hey. I didn't mean you I was talking about myself. I know you've been great to me; I know you'd never tell." I smiled at him and squeezed his hand and I felt my spirits rise again as I felt him squeeze back. I doubted he'd ever know how much his friendship meant to me right at this moment.

"I need to ask you for a favour, well another one."

"Sure." Greg gave me a more sincere smile this time.

"If I get a bit tipsy at Nick's and I start on this topic and it sounds like I'm gonna tell them, please clamp your hand over my mouth and drag me to safety. Please?"

"Sure thing, but… Won't Nick and Warrick attack me for it?"

"Don't worry I'll sort it."

"Erm, Sara… Don't get mad at me for saying this but wouldn't it just be easier to tell them?"

I ducked my head, hid my face behind my hair, and felt Greg's hand leave mine and go to my back. Supportive, that summed Greg up in one word. "I know what you mean. I want to tell them, I will, I'm so close to it. I just don't want it to seem to them that I only told them 'coz I was drunk."

"Okay it's important you tell them in your own time." Greg hugged me but I couldn't bring myself to look up just yet.

"Hey guys! What's the big drama?"

"No big drama." Greg answered for me, thankfully giving me a few seconds to collect myself before looking up.

"Hey Nick. Don't worry I'm fine, can I have a word though? Are you heading home?"

"Yeah I'll give you a lift back to yours if you want. How long is your car gonna be in the shop?" I walked away still talking to Nick about my car but I turned to Greg grinned at him and waved.

"So Sara what did you wanna talk about?"

I tried to think of a way to put this without revealing myself, "Well Nick it's about something about me that only Greg knows and I'm not quite ready for the rest of you to know and I'm worried that I might let it slip tonight so I told Greg to watch out for me so don't tell him off it he's just doing what I told him to."

"How are you still breathing?" I giggled at Nick's completely natural response and his way of acknowledging that I was a little more than uncomfortable talking about this.

"Okay, I'll make sure me and Warrick don't jump Greg for doing what you asked him to but, can I ask you something?"

"Okay," I didn't like where this was headed, but maybe it would be okay, maybe.

"Is this thing that you have just told Greg, is it the fact you're gay?"

At that point in time I decided it was good that car seats aren't designed like normal chairs otherwise I might've fallen off, in fact I almost did anyway.

"What! Did Greg tell you? No he wouldn't… I don't get it." I felt tears come unbidden to my eyes.

"Hey," Nick took my hand, in a spookily similar gesture to mine earlier, "Don't freak out hun, no-one told me I just knew, for quite a while actually."

"How long?" I felt faint, Nick had known?

"Maybe three or four months…" His words trailed away as my jaw dropped, "What is it?"

I couldn't answer but I knew. Nick had known I was gay before I had.

"How?" Fortunately for me he knew what I meant when I spoke in these half sentences.

"I dunno, I guess I've always had a good 'gaydar'. I kinda hoped it wasn't true but the 'gaydar' never lies." Nick grinned at me and hugged me. I can't believe how good my friends are.

"Nick I'm so sorry I hadn't told you yet, I was going to. I just…"

"Hey Sar don't worry about it, I already knew so it doesn't matter!"

I smiled back at him and thought 2 down 3 to go.


	3. Chapter 3

Author note: hey I wrote another piece, although this bit ended up all angsty even though I hadn't intended this story to go that way. I've raised the rating a little for possibly distressing themes and mild language (just to be on the safe side). Please let me know what you think.

I'd always hoped I'd find a way around telling Grissom about me and how I'd changed. I also knew I was kidding myself. But this was not what I'd expected.

We walked into the nightclub, which looked strange, like a nocturnal animal found out in the daytime. Plus all the blood. All CSIs see horrible scenes where horrible things have happened but as I walked into this familiar building, I saw Grissom's face pale. However I didn't see it for long as I ran for the door.

I stood propped up against the wall opposite the club I'd just left, trying desperately not to throw up. "Sara! What the hell was that?"

I looked up to meet his eyes and just stared at him. I was desperately trying to convey the message that if I opened my mouth it wouldn't be words that came out.

"Sara?" Grissom's voice was gentler now, "Are you okay, I mean you've never ran out of a crime scene before?"

"Sorry." It felt like a pathetic answer to all his musings but I didn't know how I would get out of this one. "Griss… I … I can't work this case." I almost whispered, "conflict of interest."

"Do you know someone who was in there? One of the bodies?" Grissom looked seriously worried now.

"Yeah, kind of. But I can't be on this case!" I was certain of that but I felt very unnerved by the pensive look my boss was giving me.

"Okay, ring Greg. Tell him to bring one of the Denalis and help me with this scene. Just catch up on your paperwork or something, right?"

"Yeah, thank you Grissom." I felt faint as I made my way to the car, what didn't help my crumbling composure was Grissom's gaze following me.

"Hellooo?" I felt better hearing my best friend's voice and he was obviously bored.

"Hey. Greg." I couldn't keep the emotion out of my voice.

"What's wrong? What's happened?" The immediate concern in his voice touched me, I was glad he was on my side.

"Hey, sorry I'm okay, kind of…" my mind wandered back to what I'd just seen.

"Sara, tell me what happened." Greg's voice was firm as it pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Do you remember that club I talked to you about?" my voice was shaking but I was determined to get through this.

"You may the gay bar? Yeah I remember…" I could tell he wasn't sure where this was going.

"That's the crime scene you saw me and Grissom heading to." My voice broke and ended up at a whisper, "it's like a slaughterhouse, Greg."

Greg went very quiet, I knew he was thinking what would be best to say.

"Greg, Griss needs you to help with the scene. I've been excused."

"Want me to lay down some lie for you with Grissom?"

"No." I was tired with it all, the lies upon lies, the deception, the loneliness. "I'll talk to him later."

I lay my head down on the table, I couldn't make those images leave my head, or the feelings leave my heart. I let the tears roll down my face as I remembered her's. And the way her silky hair shook and shimmered as she laughed, mostly at me. At my clumsiness in her presence.

I lifted my head abruptly at someone's voice from the door saying my name, I looked up to find Warrick standing staring at me. He half-stumbled over to me, crouched down and hugged me. "Erm, hi Warrick. How much have you drank?"

He actually giggled before answering me, "Quite a few. Are you okay? You look sad." Up until the last statement, I thought maybe Warrick wasn't quite as inebriated as he appeared. But, considering his fairly drunken state maybe I could wriggle out of his curiosity.

"If you've been out drinking, what are you doing back at work?"

"I forgot my house keys." He grinned apparently at his own forgetfulness.

For a moment I forgot my own troubles and panicked, "You're not gonna drive yourself home?"

"Nah, I'm not that daft," I felt a stab of self-loathing, "Cath's our designated driver, lucky her huh?"

"Well what you doing waiting here? Go on." He left looking confused probably feeling sure he was waiting there for a reason. He'd probably remember by tomorrow and I'd get a frantic phone call. I'd have to worry about that later though because Grissom was walking purposefully down the corridor in my direction. 'Oh crap!'

"Hi Sara…" he faltered as he looked down at the table, I followed his gaze and saw how my tears had smudged the blue ink. 'Shit!'

"Grissom, I'm sorry about the crime scene… I should've explained earlier. I was just too full of emotions to talk properly." I looked down. I didn't know how this was going to end but I couldn't think of a positive outcome.

Grissom sat down next to me, took my hand gently and sighed, I really thought he was going to shout at me, "Who was she?"

I could've sworn my jaw actually hit the floor. I don't think I actually managed to form words, just a few vague guttural sounds.

I stayed staring at the floor until I heard Greg's voice from the doorway, "I thought it might make things easier. This way you only have to tell Grissom about the crime scene stuff…" he trailed off uncertainly possibly because I still hadn't acknowledged his being there. I slowly and shakily stood up, walked towards Greg, raising my arms as I walked intending to give him a hug. Until he dived out of my way and onto the floor.

"Erm Greg? What was that in aid of?" Grissom sounded vaguely amused.

"I thought Sara was gonna slap me! Sorry Sara, what were you gonna do?"

"I was gonna hug you. She was my date the other night, she's called Carol."

"I'm so sorry Sara." Greg had picked himself up off the floor and wrapped me into a hug.

Grissom spoke up, "Sara when was the last time you were at the club?"

"Oh what! She's a suspect now! Try showing a little bit of compassion Grissom!"

"Greg, thanks for the support but Grissom is trying to protect me as well." I said this before Grissom could yell at him.

Grissom signalled for Greg to leave, but he stayed put until I smiled at him signalling that it was okay to leave me with our boss.

"I was last there about a week ago."

"Did you do anything while you were there that could've left DNA behind?"

I choked back a laugh, "Grissom what exactly are you asking me?"

He looked like he was attempting to speak but was failing miserably, so I decided to help him out. "No, I didn't have sex, nothing like that. But Grissom it's a club I drank out of their glasses, I danced so possibly sweat, and I used the bathroom so yeah there's probably some of me in there."

"Okay, well if that's the case then I don't think you should be around the lab while this evidence is being processed. You should take maybe a week off, it shouldn't take anymore time than that."

"Okay." Grissom looked shocked that I wasn't fighting this, "I just want to see her first. Is she at the morgue?"

"Yes, but Sara are you sure that that's wise?"

"I have to. Then I'll go home." I realised that my voice was blank and expressionless but I just couldn't seem to care. I wasn't bothered about leaving the lab for a while, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to come back.


	4. Chapter 4

Author note: Sorry for the long delay in getting this chapter posted I've been busy lately but I will try and round this story up soon and not leave you all hanging. Reviews would be nice as I'm not sure how well this chapter works. No spoilers but a reference to 'Lady Heather's Box' in Season 3.

Disclaimer: I don't own them but they are my most favourite toys!

I didn't know how long I'd been standing staring at the object of my love. Who had once been so full of life and was now inanimate and cold. I didn't even turn around when I heard Catherine address me.

"Sara, Doc Robbins once told me that you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room. I think he's right you know."

"I thought you were the designated driver…" My voice tailed off as I lost what I was thinking and went back to looking at my sleeping beauty.

Catherine paused before answering, maybe she had to figure out what I meant, "I already dropped them off and Warrick said you were upset."

"And because you're my bestest friend you came running to comfort me?" I knew my voice was harsher than was necessary but I felt so numb that I didn't care.

"Well no, I phoned Grissom and he confirmed that you were upset about something and he told me that you'd lost a friend but I guess that he was more than that by the way Grissom said it."

I stood looking puzzled and finally turned to face her, "He?" And just after I said it I realised why Catherine had referred to my 'friend' as a he. I hadn't told her yet.

"Yeah? I figured…" Cath's voice tailed off as she looked behind me and saw mandarin nail polish on the toe-nails, "Oh!"

I stepped aside to show Catherine the face of my sorrow, "She was… I mean I think… she was special." I looked down ashamed by her silence.

"Of course, you deserve the best. She's beautiful."

"Yeah, I told her that and she thought I was lying." I snorted a small laugh which changed to tears. I felt Catherine wrap her arms around me, "You don't even seem surprised that I'm not surprised."

I took a minute to figure out what she meant, my brain seemed to be working in slow motion, "Oh yeah how did you know that I'm gay?"

"You remember that night at my house when Greg dropped you?" I nodded so she continued, "Well I spent a while thinking about what could have upset you so much and I realised what the last thing that was said before you tried to escape. Nick said 'Get out of the closet'. I know what that turn of phrase means to me." I smiled at her and she linked her arm with mine and said "Come on, I'm the designated driver tonight. You're going home."


End file.
